LeAnn Rimes vs. Trisha Yearwood

Back in the 90’s everyone loved these two- and by everyone I mean your mom’s and people who listened to country music, and I am neither so I didn’t really have an opinion about them either way. I knew who Yearwood was because she sang that “She’s in Love with the Boy” song that I felt was the anthem I would ride off into the sunset with JTT to (JTT= Jonathon Taylor Thomas, who will get his own blog at a later date). LeAnn Rimes became famous when she was like 13 (I don’t check facts, this stuff scarily comes from memory. 90’s pop culture knowledge takes up the space that should house math and science in my brain). She apparently sang “Blue” (Pasty Cline? Is this correct?) really well so people in the county music world went nuts. None of this matters, it’s all back story.

In 1997 or 1998 both of them wanted to sing the title song for the Nicholas Cage movie Con Air which happens to be a pretty good movie. Rumor has it Rimes was all sulky and pissed that they chose old hag Trisha Yearwood instead of her and she went off and recorded the song anyway. Her version was more popesque and benefited from that weird time in music where country music singers were making “crossover” hits (oddly enough pop people weren’t trying to do any crossing over, this just shows you where the money comes from). Anyway, her version was more universally popular and I guess she felt vindicated. Then awards season came around and they were both nominated for Best Country Vocal at the Grammy’s for the same song! This was back when awards shows mattered, by the way. Now the only show that matters are the Oscars- even the Grammy’s are shrug worthy in regards to talent receiving recognition. Anyway, it’s about to get really freaky with my memory. Because I actually remember how this shit went down.

So LeAnn sang her little “Blue” heart out to a song that wasn’t “Blue” and was in fact, “How Do I Live?” Now the category was either right after this performance or pretty close because she was still backstage when they were announcing it and Trisha fucking Yearwood won. Hold on while I check YouTube to see if there’s a video of this precious moment. There is!!!

Sadly, there is no shot of LeAnn’s reaction even though I thought there was. Also, if you put that search into YouTube there are a lot of people who think they can hit that note on “how will I ever, ever survive” and they cannot. But listening to Trisha’s speech is so gosh darn amazing. First of all, it’s one long jab at Rimes who had been bragging about how her version was better and reached a wider audience (ie those who listen to pop), which is why Yearwood threw in that thing about country radio. Personally I hate both of these women, they both cheated with married men (Rimes with that Eddie Cibiran creature and Yearwood with Garth Brooks) but Yearwood isn’t narcissistic on the outside and a toasted crazy on the inside like Rimes is so good on her for being the winner. This is odd since I usually have a gold star and special place in my heart for girls who wear these outfits:

I can't believe this hot piece lost

But for a hot minute this is what constituted as rivalry in music. Two women recording the same song, being nominated for said song and one of them coming out the winner. Personally, I think the lady who sang “Did I Shave My Legs For This?” definitely should have been the winner, because indeed by losing, she had no reason to shave her legs. 

Zack Morris

I hate Twilight. Hate actually isn’t a strong enough word for the violent emotions I feel towards that piece of anti feminist garbage that is more poorly written than this here blog. So this argument to me is very delightful. Before any of that sparkly vampire bullshit came out we had one of the greatest television shows of all time: Saved by the Bell. Why do I bring up “Saved,” as I call it? Because while prepubescent girls and their 40-something moms embarrassingly fight over the whole Edward or Jacob conundrum, the real battle has already been fought: Zack vs. AC.

If you will recall, loyal reader, both Zack and AC were often gunning for the beautiful Kelly Kapowski. She was the head cheerleader, had exotic features (for California in the late 80s/90s) and awesome boobs! She was also pretty dim witted and strung both guys along while somehow being able to maintain a relationship with them both. (Sound familiar Stephenie Meyer?!)

Now let’s not forget that eventually the pairing goes to Zack and Kelly and AC and Jessie, but the triangle lived on and became a square! Remember when Zack and Jessie kissed?! Zack is her oldest friend and he took care of her when she needed to do her schoolwork but also wanted to do the singing/dance competition at Max’s diner so she started popping over the counter caffeine pills and immediately became addicted! She was so excited until she was just so scared!

This video is poignant though not as telling as the episode of 90210 where Kelly overdoses on weight loss pills because she pops them like candy and doesn’t eat any food.

AC is no saint either! He would often fool Zack with his intelligence so he could get Kelly alone and take her to the movies or something. It was trickery! This show was pretty incestual, actually. Zack made out with all the girls (even Lisa!) and AC wasn’t much better. When the “tough girl” Tori came on the scene (I really thought she was a lesbian) the feud between Zack and AC recommenced on who would get to be her guy.

All I’m saying is, Twilight ain’t got nothin on my Saturday morning shows! Bella/Edward/Jacob? PSSH! Child’s play compared to Zack/Kelly/AC/Jessie (and sometimes Lisa). These kids schemed their ways in and out of high school relationships the way you’re supposed to go through life. At least this is how I think relationships work. For all I know though pulling the carburetor out of one’s crappy truck and debating on who is going to rip her unborn monster baby out of her stomach is what is really supposed to go down with young love. The couple that aborts together usually doesn’t stay together- keep that in mind kids! No sex before marriage you unclean young women with all your hormones who need a soulless (apparently) gorgeous vampire to keep your sin at bay! They didn't talk about it much on "Saved" (that I remember, and I'm too lazy to look it up) but I'm pretty sure Zack was having sex. With and without Kelly. Also, if the Kapowski is good enough for the Biebs, she's good enough for us all: 

CK One

CK One

Oh loyal reader, I know you’re getting a plethora of knowledge from reading this blog and I know this is the last week of Christmas shopping and you’re thinking “Erica, what am I going to buy my mother/friend/lover/dog walker?” Well have no fear because I have the one gift that will please everyone on your gift list.

This'll bring all the boys to the yard

 Back in middle school when I was super poor, my mother couldn’t afford to buy me perfume from the department stores and up until that point I was under the impression Baby Soft was the premier perfume on the market. So when I was in 8^th grade I was officially a teenager. I thought being 13 meant I was going to be an adult and finally get my period (hint: nope, I’m still prepubescent to this day), but one thing I knew for sure was that I was going to be “sexy” and that meant getting rid of the ole Baby Soft. I knew I needed something sophisticated that would showcase how mature I was, so I went to Phar-Mor and started smelling the luscious fragrances such as Charlie and Joop. Then I came across CK One.

You may recall that CK One is a very forgettable fragrance. I don’t really recall what it smelled like but I know it smelled like what I thought perfume should smell like, basically alcohol. It’s good that it’s called One because I think for a lot of girls in the 90s, it was their first real fragrance. I used to ration it because I was poor and couldn’t afford to just buy another bottle all willy nilly, so I only wore it on “special” occasions such as the first day of school, a school dance, picture day and when I was trying to get into R rated movies.

The ads for the perfume were even better:

SEE?! This perfume was supposed to make me so awesome!
And I was supposed to look like Kate Moss.

And there you have it, the best gift you could ever give! Everyone will thank you for it and not run out to the Wal-Mart to return it for $10 and curse your name for thinking they’re only worth $10 at the Wal-Mart. 

Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs are pretty damn awesome. They were gigantic, ate each other and basically didn’t take shit. We know this because we still have their remnants in the form of alligators and sharks. Two other animals I love a whole lot. Dinosaurs were badass, and if it weren’t for that whole global warming ice age problem, they’d still be pretty badass. I like to think that if that hadn’t happened, people would be really big and we would be able to go to dinosaur petting zoos.

Here’s the deal with dinos. I fell in love while watching the aptly named, underrated sitcome Dinosaurs. They were made of clay and were a working class family trying to get by with a baby that talked smack and kids who were always getting into trouble while their dad had to go off to the salt mines everyday. (I think he worked in an office and hated his boss but the details are fuzzy and I like to assume he worked in salt mines). But then, it happened.

Jurassic Park is one of my all time favorite movies. The special effects from 1993 are still ten times better than that cgi bullshit that goes on now (I hate Avatar and don’t even get me started on what George Lucas has done to Star Wars). This movie changed my life. I was determined to be the person who found a way to clone dinosaurs through mosquito dna. It did not matter to me that I sucked at both math and science. All I knew was that I needed a dinosaur. I was certain I could train it the way they train lions at the zoo to not eat you. This of course, after I stopped being scared of the movie. Because that small one that spewed acid at Newman from Seinfeld? That scared the shit out of me. Thankfully I later learned that they made that one up.

It has lately come into vogue to like dinosaurs again. I blame hipsters. I blame hipsters for a lot of things. Mainly destroying all things I’ve always loved and why people think Libertarianism is a good idea (hint: it’s not). I think the entire population of Brooklyn hates them as well so I’m in good company. But I got some facts about dinosaurs you might not know (or you do know and it makes you sad too):

Dinosaurs couldn’t survive now because the earth is too cold. When dinosaurs roamed the whole planet was really hot. Like 200 degrees hot. It’s 100 in South America on a good day in the summer. Dinosaurs would not like this. The temperature is what made them so big as well (some of them). That’s why bugs are so big in the south and half the reason why northern states are so much better.

Dinosaurs probably had feathers and weren’t as badass looking as we once thought. Scientists ruin everything I love and recently discovered hair follicles all over most of their bodies. So basically most of them were just giant chickens. Unless it was a Raptor, which was basically a rabid chicken because it was so damn small, but really angry.

Most dinosaurs didn’t live at the same time. There were several different dinosaur eras, and while a version of each species probably lived during each era, the most popular versions did not. So I’m sure the temperature and climate of the earth would never suit each breed, thus making a Raptor vs. T-Rex fight not possible.

I’m pretty sure an electric fence wouldn’t stop them. They had some pretty thick skin despite the whole feather situation. They lived on a planet that was 200 degrees on a good day. The fence would have to be so electrified that they’d die on contact. So I’m not sure the island adventure of Jurassic Park would be very safe. Also I don’t think T-Rex had an eyesight problem, just an arm problem.

Despite all these misgivings (I can’t believe a movie lied to me!) I still love dinosaurs and would accept one as a gift. I still believe if it were one of a manageable size I could train it to love me and not eat me, my friends or my family. They were pretty smart (I don’t know this for a fact) so I would assume it could be done. I mean, they have gator world and those don’t seem to eat people and alligators are basically dinosaurs themselves. I’m gonna go watch the Discovery Channel and see if there is a show where experts discuss whether or not we could ever have a dinosaur pet a la Dino from Flintstones.

Here is a picture of a dinosaur:

I had nightmares about this for months

Sloppy Firsts

Read me, bitches! You'll learn all about The Real World

Here’s the deal, if you have not read this book you need to. Now. Go to the library, go to the bookstore and read it sitting in the floor. I don’t care how you have to get this book but do it. Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty is the greatest book of all time ever. If you were born before the year 1995 then you will love this book. Hell, if you were born after the year 1995 you’ll love it. Basically, if you are on a 6^th grade reading level this book is for you. I’m gonna break it down.

Jessica Darling is a sophomore in high school, it’s the second semester and she has just found out her best friend Hope is moving away and she will be left all alone. The book follows the diary she keeps, along with letters she writes to Hope. This book is hilarious. Jessica is very intelligent, but also very self-deprecating. She often thinks she will never have sex and talks about how she is the oldest living virgin. It’s very funny.

Along the way she meets Marcus Flutie, a bad boy drug addict gone good who she develops a crush on. He is also very intelligent but he plays games with her heart (he also wears Backstreet Boys shirts). This book is full of pop culture references from the early 2000’s. This is why I personally think those of us who are 20-something will benefit most from the humor. Also they wear some really hot clothes (at one point Jessica goes to Delia’s and buys a corduroy dress that zips all the way up the front).

There are also some lovely characters dubbed the Clueless Crew. Manda, Sara and Bridget. Jessica’s so-called friends from her honors classes who seem to be more interested in boys and clothes than anything to do with school. Bridget is the only one that comes out with any redeeming qualities, though Jessica hates this since Bridget is so pretty. These three come up with some of the best lines and I sort of wish McCafferty had written a book about the three of them when they weren’t around Jessica, because we get some great stories out of them.

I must warn that this is a five book series called the Jessica Darling Series (inventive I know). All five books are worth the read but my favorites are Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. These are the two books about high school and in my opinion they are the funniest. Also, McCafferty announced there is definitely 100% going to be a movie!!!!! All the more reason to read, right?

Girl Games

I think I have no sense of shame when it comes to guys because I grew up playing games that encourage shameless behavior. My most favorite game ever growing up was Girl Talk. There were several incarnations of this beloved game but I owned two- one that I loved and one I would get the feeling that I was about to vomit whenever my friends wanted to play it. Let’s start with the one I loved, shall we?

Now I’m no expert but I think this was the first version of Girl Talk. It was played in traditional board game style and involved trying to find dates for the five cards you were handed. There were so many different types of people with many different interests. None of them were stereotypes like a pretty blonde cheerleader hating math homework but loving to surf. Or a geeky nerd with glasses whose extracurricular activities were AV and chess club. Your job as matchmaker was to bring these two souls together to create the perfect date using a highly advanced method of putting the two cards into a little box connected to the radio. The box would tell you what happens when someone asks someone else out on a date. I really thought these two people were hooking up based upon what I had to say. My childlike (okay, 16) year old mind didn’t realize it was simply luck of the draw. There was a tape in that radio and when you stuck two cards in the machine the tape would start playing. So whatever “date” was on at that time was the one you got. There was no science involved. Quite like OK Cupid.

The other version of I had was Truth or Dare. This game makes me nervous. I don’t like peer pressure and I don’t like having to reveal my secrets. Most of the cards were dumb, something like “eat an entire tub of Cool Whip (uh, yeah) or telling everyone who you think is cute in art class. Unfortunately I would get the cards that say “call your crush and ask him out” or “wear your underwear on the outside.” These things made me nervous. And there was no way in hell I was called a SENIOR and telling him I liked him. When you didn’t do a dare, you got a zit sticker. I had a lot of zit stickers and to this day do not know why I ever bought that game. 

Total Request Live

Back in the summer of 1997, Carson Daly came on the scene and told me he was going to count down the 10 hottest videos of the day. I believed him because all the videos featured were by the greatest artists of our time: Britney Spears, *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. I think that first year these three (and a few times Hanson or Christina Aguilera) were the only artists on the countdown, which was just fine with me. When I entered high school, TRL made it so you could vote online. A portion of my newspaper period was spent deciding which videos I felt deserved to be on this coveted list. I plotted to go to New York so I could be up there and meet all of my favorite people who would immediately think I was cool and take me away with them. I also thought they would wait until I was 18 and then would marry me. I had high hopes.

In the early years they would play the videos, premier new videos and talk to some really talented artists that were all about their craft. Later, though, they started doing some really annoying shit. Mainly they started putting people in the video saying why they liked the video. Bitch I don’t care why some 12 year old in braces likes Toxic! I know I like it and that’s why I’m watching this channel. Eventually the non-pop groups started getting voted on, mostly to annoy me. MTV is no place for the Notorious B.I.G and TuPac is dead and really wasn’t a great rapper so stop making me listen to him!!!! It’s 2000 guys, I just want to listen to the solo careers of former New Kids on the Block Jordan McKnight and Joey McIntire. Stop trying to make me like Korn’s Freak on a Leash (I kind of liked that song, actually).

Eventually, I got too old for TRL (aka they started playing stuff that wasn’t by BSB) and I stopped watching. When I found out the show was ending I decided to watch again, supporting the franchise that I believe I helped create only to find it had changed a lot. First of all Carson was gone (which I knew) only to be replaced by some girl called LaLa and some guy with a lot of dread locks that looked to be really heavy. They were both annoying. I now had no qualms with the show ending since they couldn’t get more reputable hosts.