Why I hate Twilight (and you should too)

My sister and I read Twilight a long time ago. We are all about reading cheesy young adult novels and that made Twilight right up our alley. So we got it from the library and read it. This was before the super hyped up phenomenon started so we weren't on any kind of wait list for it. In short: it was awful. This is coming from someone who owns every single copy of Sweet Valley High- even the Senior  Year series! I say this to establish my very low standards for a romping good time. Here is a list, with a subsequent explanation as to why Twilight is horrible:

1. It is poorly written: when your main explanation for why a girl is smart is because she goes to to library and reads Withering Heights (which this book is a really bad rip-off of) that isn't an argument. Especially since she never goes back to the library or reads after she falls in love with Edward!!!! Also, I don't care how good looking Edward is, you do not have to explain it to me every fucking time he enters a scene. I get it- he's cut from marble blah blah blah, you have a creepy obsession with a perpetually 17 year old boy, Stephenie Meyer. Even Robert Pattison thinks it's creepy. Basically, she had a dream about a good looking guy and she wrote some really long fanfiction that somehow got published.

2. Apparently all girls should listen to boys, not matter what: Look, I get it, it's true love! I can totally get into that when I'm reading- it's really not that hard for me. I don't question why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves even though they knew each other for a week and were only 14 years old. I just accept true love. But when you are basically telling young girls that when your boyfriend breaks up with you, it's perfectly normal to be comatose for months on end, shit isn't cool with us anymore. Then, when you start to act like a person again and hang out with a new guy, once the old boyfriend comes back you need to drop that other guy like a hot potato! and if you even think about hanging out with that other guy again, it's perfectly natural for your old boyfriend to pull the carburetor out of your car so you can't go. Also, every idea you have is stupid and only the man can make decisions.

3. Sex is bad and that's why it is appropriate: Working in a library we get book challenges everyday. Usually because of bad language (everything), witchcraft! (Harry Potter) and sex (again...everything). The Jessica Darling series by Megan McCafferty is challenged a lot because Jessica wants to have sex and says the fuck word. A high schooler wanting to have sex? that's awful! That isn't even close to being true! But whatever, people can challenge whatever they want for whatever reason they want. Anyway, Bella wants to jump Edwards sexy, undead bones. It used to be that if a girl had sex with a vampire having a baby wasn't a problem (since, you know, they're dead and therefore do not produce semen that swims upstream!) but Stephenie does not care what centuries of vampire lore tells us! Her vampires are different (Mormon) and can go outside (it's sparkle time) and they don't eat people! (lame). Edward won't have sex with Bella because it's wrong to have sex if you aren't married! Edward does not have a soul. Vampires do not have souls and therefore do not know right from wrong (this is why it is easy for them to go around killing and eating people). But since this is thinly veiled Mormon, Jesus-y lecture material, the man has to teach the dumb woman all about what is right and wrong and they can't have sex unless they're married. Well, just like in olden days, Bella now wants to get married straight out of high school. She has her dowry is hand (an old truck and some werewolf friends who may come in handy once we fight the "evil" and more interesting vampires) and is ready to walk down the aisle. Edward takes his sweet time (4 books, which is 4 too many) and they finally get married, have sex and she is a vampire. The best part about this whole series is Edward believing the baby is evil and will kill Bella so they want to give her a back alley abortion! This is the most awesome thing ever because he and Jacob are going to rip open her stomach and pull the evil out. Sadly this does not happen, but still, it's pretty fucking awesome (my book would already be challeneged, I said the fuck word twice...oops, three). But either way, parents think this series is appropriate because it tells their kids not to have sex. And while I don't disagree with that (I was almost 21 when I had sex the first time, so it's not like I was a wild and crazy kid), I disagree with the way it was presented. Which brings us to...

4. It's antifeminist propaganda: I don't like when women degrade women, sort of like how I don't get women who support Rick Santorum. Maybe it's because I studied feminism in my first round of grad school (I collect degrees like baseball cards), but when people, especially other women, set our own gender back it annoys me. Bella shouldn't be listening to everything Edward says, she shouldn't be flattered that he stalks her and she should be really pissed off when she tries to choose her friends for her (telling her she can't hang out with Jacob). Instead she just listens to him and thinks the behavior is appropriate. All this does is tell young girls that this is okay. In reality, this behavior is a warning sign of an abusive relationship. If I were 14 and in love with this series, I would want an Edward, and if my boyfriend did these things, I would be flattered because he loves me like Edward, but in the real world this isn't really when it stops. This is just the beginning of something worse. Isolating a person from their friends and family, telling them what they can and cannot do- this is all bad news bears. This guy is emotionally abusive, and if it weren't a love story he would be physically abusive as well. Stuff like this is worse than reading curse words or girls who fear being the last living virgin (a la Jessica Darling). Also, Bella is always perceived as inferior to Edward. She is the human- therefore she should have the higher moral ground. I have the moral compass of Doctor Faustus (and if you don't know who that is but you can recite Twilight to me we are not friends), but even I know things that have to be "taught" to Bella. Meyer basically tells you sex is a bad and dirty thing, and maybe that's what she's been taught (I'm Catholic, and I use that term loosely. I only say it because I went through catechism and therefore earned it, so I don't know a whole hell of a lot about Mormon teachings that aren't well known to the general populous) but how is that better than being told sex is a free for all and we should have it with every person in sight? Either way you're getting a pretty fucked up view of what sex is. Bella could have been so much more. She could have been a real heroine, but instead she's Mary Sue. She's me, you, your best friend, that pretty girl on the cheerleading squad- she's everyone and no one at the same time. There is no depth to her and that's the point. You can make yourself Bella and be in love with Edward. Bella was not created in order to be a strong woman, she was created to be any woman. This is a disservice to our gender. This is the biggest problem with Twilight. Bella has nothing to fight for other than spending time with Edward while Edward gets to go out and save the world. Why can't Bella fight too? Why can't she have good ideas instead of always getting hurt and need saving? Why can't a girl be the hero without having to have some sort of special superhuman strength? Wouldn't that be a better lesson- that a girl is strong enough to fight with and be in love with a vampire even without having the super human sparkle strength to go with it? Why can't Bella have a life that isn't Edward centric? Why do readers not question the motives of this series?! And why, for the love of God, do middle aged women try to sexually molest poor Robert Pattison? It's total fontrum.