Friday, December 16, 2011

Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs are pretty damn awesome. They were gigantic, ate each other and basically didn’t take shit. We know this because we still have their remnants in the form of alligators and sharks. Two other animals I love a whole lot. Dinosaurs were badass, and if it weren’t for that whole global warming ice age problem, they’d still be pretty badass. I like to think that if that hadn’t happened, people would be really big and we would be able to go to dinosaur petting zoos.

Here’s the deal with dinos. I fell in love while watching the aptly named, underrated sitcome Dinosaurs. They were made of clay and were a working class family trying to get by with a baby that talked smack and kids who were always getting into trouble while their dad had to go off to the salt mines everyday. (I think he worked in an office and hated his boss but the details are fuzzy and I like to assume he worked in salt mines). But then, it happened.

Jurassic Park is one of my all time favorite movies. The special effects from 1993 are still ten times better than that cgi bullshit that goes on now (I hate Avatar and don’t even get me started on what George Lucas has done to Star Wars). This movie changed my life. I was determined to be the person who found a way to clone dinosaurs through mosquito dna. It did not matter to me that I sucked at both math and science. All I knew was that I needed a dinosaur. I was certain I could train it the way they train lions at the zoo to not eat you. This of course, after I stopped being scared of the movie. Because that small one that spewed acid at Newman from Seinfeld? That scared the shit out of me. Thankfully I later learned that they made that one up.

It has lately come into vogue to like dinosaurs again. I blame hipsters. I blame hipsters for a lot of things. Mainly destroying all things I’ve always loved and why people think Libertarianism is a good idea (hint: it’s not). I think the entire population of Brooklyn hates them as well so I’m in good company. But I got some facts about dinosaurs you might not know (or you do know and it makes you sad too):

Dinosaurs couldn’t survive now because the earth is too cold. When dinosaurs roamed the whole planet was really hot. Like 200 degrees hot. It’s 100 in South America on a good day in the summer. Dinosaurs would not like this. The temperature is what made them so big as well (some of them). That’s why bugs are so big in the south and half the reason why northern states are so much better.

Dinosaurs probably had feathers and weren’t as badass looking as we once thought. Scientists ruin everything I love and recently discovered hair follicles all over most of their bodies. So basically most of them were just giant chickens. Unless it was a Raptor, which was basically a rabid chicken because it was so damn small, but really angry.

Most dinosaurs didn’t live at the same time. There were several different dinosaur eras, and while a version of each species probably lived during each era, the most popular versions did not. So I’m sure the temperature and climate of the earth would never suit each breed, thus making a Raptor vs. T-Rex fight not possible.

I’m pretty sure an electric fence wouldn’t stop them. They had some pretty thick skin despite the whole feather situation. They lived on a planet that was 200 degrees on a good day. The fence would have to be so electrified that they’d die on contact. So I’m not sure the island adventure of Jurassic Park would be very safe. Also I don’t think T-Rex had an eyesight problem, just an arm problem.

Despite all these misgivings (I can’t believe a movie lied to me!) I still love dinosaurs and would accept one as a gift. I still believe if it were one of a manageable size I could train it to love me and not eat me, my friends or my family. They were pretty smart (I don’t know this for a fact) so I would assume it could be done. I mean, they have gator world and those don’t seem to eat people and alligators are basically dinosaurs themselves. I’m gonna go watch the Discovery Channel and see if there is a show where experts discuss whether or not we could ever have a dinosaur pet a la Dino from Flintstones.

Here is a picture of a dinosaur:

I had nightmares about this for months


2 comments:

  1. I used to love that Dinosaur show, especially that fat baby haha.

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  2. I still always watch Jurassic Park anytime it's on tv!

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