Zack Morris

I hate Twilight. Hate actually isn’t a strong enough word for the violent emotions I feel towards that piece of anti feminist garbage that is more poorly written than this here blog. So this argument to me is very delightful. Before any of that sparkly vampire bullshit came out we had one of the greatest television shows of all time: Saved by the Bell. Why do I bring up “Saved,” as I call it? Because while prepubescent girls and their 40-something moms embarrassingly fight over the whole Edward or Jacob conundrum, the real battle has already been fought: Zack vs. AC.

If you will recall, loyal reader, both Zack and AC were often gunning for the beautiful Kelly Kapowski. She was the head cheerleader, had exotic features (for California in the late 80s/90s) and awesome boobs! She was also pretty dim witted and strung both guys along while somehow being able to maintain a relationship with them both. (Sound familiar Stephenie Meyer?!)

Now let’s not forget that eventually the pairing goes to Zack and Kelly and AC and Jessie, but the triangle lived on and became a square! Remember when Zack and Jessie kissed?! Zack is her oldest friend and he took care of her when she needed to do her schoolwork but also wanted to do the singing/dance competition at Max’s diner so she started popping over the counter caffeine pills and immediately became addicted! She was so excited until she was just so scared!

This video is poignant though not as telling as the episode of 90210 where Kelly overdoses on weight loss pills because she pops them like candy and doesn’t eat any food.

AC is no saint either! He would often fool Zack with his intelligence so he could get Kelly alone and take her to the movies or something. It was trickery! This show was pretty incestual, actually. Zack made out with all the girls (even Lisa!) and AC wasn’t much better. When the “tough girl” Tori came on the scene (I really thought she was a lesbian) the feud between Zack and AC recommenced on who would get to be her guy.

All I’m saying is, Twilight ain’t got nothin on my Saturday morning shows! Bella/Edward/Jacob? PSSH! Child’s play compared to Zack/Kelly/AC/Jessie (and sometimes Lisa). These kids schemed their ways in and out of high school relationships the way you’re supposed to go through life. At least this is how I think relationships work. For all I know though pulling the carburetor out of one’s crappy truck and debating on who is going to rip her unborn monster baby out of her stomach is what is really supposed to go down with young love. The couple that aborts together usually doesn’t stay together- keep that in mind kids! No sex before marriage you unclean young women with all your hormones who need a soulless (apparently) gorgeous vampire to keep your sin at bay! They didn't talk about it much on "Saved" (that I remember, and I'm too lazy to look it up) but I'm pretty sure Zack was having sex. With and without Kelly. Also, if the Kapowski is good enough for the Biebs, she's good enough for us all: